Were you expecting it? How did you react to the news?
Did you think your marriage was going well? Or did you know deep down you were ignoring the problem?
In both cases it feels like a betrayal and it is a big shock. We tend to go into denial to start with and reject the news. Emotions are a rollercoaster at this moment. You could feel anger, resentment, guilt even, what did I do wrong?
Ask yourself were you happy in this marriage? Or were you just waiting for better times to come when the kids are grown up maybe or when work will be less stressful?
It is really hard to come to terms with your spouse decision to separate.
What can you do to cope better?
How can you take back control of the situation?
1. First it’s important to assess what you can control and what you can’t control in this situation. Also it is not the situation that matters as such but how you react to the situation.
2. The person who’s being told the news needs time to catch up, taking that time to adjust to her partner is vital. The one wanting the divorce is ahead of the journey, they need to have empathy for their spouse and patience for him/her to catch up emotionally.
3. Explore your own thoughts, feelings and your own choices and way forward. What would you like to achieve now? How would you like to feel? What can you do now? How to react without being controlled by your emotions? How can you transform this news into a positive outcome? Understanding who you are, what you like doing and how can you do more of it. Focus on yourself and not your ex.
4. Don’t beg your spouse or obsess on them : They were a big part of your life so it’s very tricky. Try to focus back on yourself instead. What can help you now? How can you create a support network around you? What help can you get?
5. If you are a stay at home mum: you have lots of skills you can transfer and you can get help with a coach or a career councilor. Re writing your story means you won’t feel like a victim, you will take back control of your life and decide how you want to move forward.
6. Don’t blame yourself. You’re hurt and your level of self-esteem is low but don’t hurt yourself even more. Focus on you mental well being, you physical health and what can yo do to feel better now. Call a friend, go for a walk, practice mindfulness, breathing exercise.. what gives you joy?
7. Contact a lawyer. Even though you’re hurt you don’t want to go to war and get revenge or make them pay. It will leads to more hurt and disastrous consequences if you have children. Try to have a successful , amicable divorce so you can turn the page quicker and focus on healing and rebuilding your life.